Monday, October 10, 2011

A bit of Fry and Laurie - Psychic Spoon Bender

Hugh and Stephen are sitting in a TV studio. There is a table lamp. Hugh has an annoying accent.
Stephen  Now, Mr Nude, you claim ...

Hugh  That's right, I do claim, I do ...

Stephen  Yes, you claim to be able to bend spoons with psychic energy ...

Hugh  Psychic energy, yes, that is the method I have chosen, to bend spoons, yes.

Stephen  How long have you had this ability?

Hugh  How long, precisely, that's absolutely right.

Stephen  Well?

Hugh  Indeed, you are very sympathetic, thank you. It's very difficult when people are not sympathetic, but you are very sympathetic.

Stephen  Thank you.

Hugh  No, thank you.

Stephen  Can you do other things with spoons, apart from bend them?

Hugh  Yes of course I can. I can do anything with a spoon.

Stephen  Can you?

Hugh  Indeed I can. Give me a spoon, and I will give you the world.

Stephen  Well that's a very impressive claim, certainly.

Hugh  Thank you.

Stephen  That's alright. Well Mr Nude, we have some spoons here. Perhaps you'd care to give us a demonstration?

Hugh  I am not a circus freak, you know.

Stephen  I realise that.

Hugh  Some people think I am a freak. I am not a freak.

Stephen  Well I'm sure that nobody here ...

Hugh  "Freak!" They sometimes shout at me in the street.

Stephen  Do they really? That's awful.

Hugh  But you are very sympathetic.

Stephen  Thank you.

Hugh  Thank you.

Stephen  Would you care to have a go at bending this spoon for us?

Hugh  Thank you, yes I will bend this spoon.

Stephen  Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nude is now going to bend this spoon using psychic energy.

Hugh  That's right, now is when I'm going to bend it.

Stephen  Go ahead, Mr Nude.

Hugh quite plainly bends the spoon with his hands.
Hugh  Thank you very much, you are all very sympathetic.

Stephen  Well the spoon is certainly bent.

Hugh  Of course it is bent. Of course it is. I bent the spoon, so, of course it is bent.

Stephen  Yes, that much is clear and without argument.

Hugh  Forgive me, I am very tired now. To bend a spoon is very tiring, and I have bent too many spoons today.

Stephen  How many spoons have you bent today?

Hugh  Four spoons today. It is too much. I am not a freak, you know. I am a human being.

Stephen  Forgive me, Mr Nude ...

Hugh  Of course.

Stephen  Thank you.

Hugh  Thank you.

Stephen  But from where I was sitting, it looked rather as if you just bent the spoon with your hands.

Hugh  What are you saying?

Stephen  I'm saying that ...

Hugh  What is this?

Stephen  It's a bent spoon.

Hugh  There.

Stephen  Oh quite, the question is how did you bend it?

Hugh  I don't know how much I like you now.

Stephen  Well, I'm sorry.

Hugh  Before I thought you were very sympathetic ...

Stephen  Well I hope that ...

Hugh  But now, I think you are not so sympathetic. Now, I don't like you.

Stephen  I'm sorry to hear that.

Hugh  At all.

Stephen  Are you sure it isn't "fraud" that people shout at you in the street, rather than freak?

Hugh  It is you who make the claims. I have always been honest. I bend the spoons with psychic energy, I have told you. I never claimed to be able to bend them with my hands. That is your claim.

Stephen  And you did bend it with your hands.

Hugh  The spoon is bent, that is enough. Perhaps it does flow through my hands this psychic energy of which you claim. It may be. Certainly the spoon is bent. Therefore I bent it.

Stephen  I can bend a spoon with my hands too.

Hugh  I have never said that my powers are unique. Always have I striven to teach the world that anyone may bend a spoon. My book is not expensive.

Stephen bends a spoon.
Stephen  There.

Hugh  To think I found you sympathetic. I hate you now.

Stephen  Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Hugh  (Simultaneously) If viewers living in the Matlock and Buxton areas of Derbyshire would be so kind as to inspect their cutlery drawers at home they will find that they contain a bent spoon and an unused Weetabix special offer coupon. I can also reveal that everyone in the town of Datchett over the age of fourteen has a slight itch just above the right thigh which they are scratching as I speak. Thank you.