Ghost busters theme song and the Ghost
of Christmas Present (David Tennant) appears.
Ghost:Makes me laugh every time! Hello?
Ghost of Christmas Present.
Nan: That's all I need, a Scotch ghost
with a comedy ringtone.
Ghost: Oh hiya. No I'm just in the
middle of a wee job, can I call you back? OK, lets get started! Now
have you got any of those porcini mushrooms? Cause I see you have a
wee tin of the button variety but they've not got the same zip.
Nan: Give me strength!
Ghost: I've got a wee risotto on the
go, I don't think we should travel on an empty stomach. So? Porcini
Nan: Yes love, they'll be in my fridge,
next to my Chinese water spinach.
Ghost: Fantastic, I don't see any Chinese water spinach?
Nan: No darling? Oh, you know what
they've probably fallen down by my Goji berries.
Ghost: No, I can't seem to find anything.
Nan: No? I can't help you then love.
Ghost: Are you sure they are in there?
Nan: Of course, they're not! What's the
matter with you What do you think this is? Saturday Kitchen?
Ghost: Oh, I love that show, James
Martin, don't get me started!
Nan: Well, it's just as well he can
cook, cause he dances like he's shit himself.
Ghost: I'm sorry but his cha-cha-cha
was a triumph!
Nan: What do you know about it? You're
a ghost, and not much of one by the looks of you.
Ghost: What's wrong with the way I
look? This is Giorgio Armani!
Nan: I don't care if it's George at
Asda! That aint what a ghost's supposed to wear!
Ghost: I'm the ghost of Christmas
present, I'm up to the minute! Constantly changing. Ever evolving, yet
always on trend! Unstructured, yet tailored, clean lines, sharp
sillouette but with a whiff of the shambolic rockstar! Do not
criticise the clobber!
Nan: You couldn't be bothered, could
you? Nah, that other fella I had here before, oh smashing he was! Yeah
he looked the part! Was all done up in his costume, lovely pale face
and what a stench! He stank like a rancid old arse! Whereas you,,, you
smell like? God what is that?
Ghost: That's Paul Smith Summer!
Nan: You're very effeminate for a
Ghost: Hey, Don't play your games with
me Joany Taylor! Alright! You think your snide wee remarks are going
to get a rise out of me you've another thing coming! It's wake up
time, OK? Because the things I'm going to show you tonight will leave
you horrified by what you've become! And just for the record, there
is nothing effeminate about me! OK?
Ohh RISOTTO RISOTTO RISOTTO!!! I've
Nan: Yeah, well, risottos are notoriously
difficult to time.
Nan: Yeah alright, keep your skinny
jeans on! This ain't my kitchen!
Charlie: Isn’t there anyone who understands what Christmas is all about?
Linus: Sure, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
Linus goes to center stage, spotlight.
Linus: “And there were in the same country Shepards abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in the manger.’ And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, ‘glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.’”
Linus picks up blanket, walks back to piano.
Linus: That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
In this animated short by Sheldon Cohen, young May wants a dog more than anything else in the world. She thinks about dogs all the time; she talks about them, reads about them and covers the walls of her bedroom with dog pictures. But every time she asks her parents for a puppy, they tell her to wait till she's older. But sticking to her motto of "If at first you don’t succeed, try again," May comes up with an ingenious idea to change her parents' minds. Based on the book by Dayal Kaur Khalsa.
Also, I got done for jumping a 20p tube fare! This is my whole crime sheet, right? Which is quite an interesting read… 20p! This is not Don Corleone, this is Don Crap.
I jumped a 20p underground tube fare, and I was waving a pass at the time, you know, it was drawn
on a Rizzler or something; it was a Bishop of Durham pass. “I’m the Bishop of Durham… And the guy said, “Bless you my son, bless you my son” “You’re not Bishop of Durham! He wears a bigger hat than that!”
So he got me. “I got him! I got the 20p kid! You’ve caused us £1.60 worth of trouble, you have, in your time. I’ve got him and I’ll be promoted in the underground system. I’ll get my own darkness!”
Then an off-duty policeman came, and he had a pot plant and a camera, on his way home for a good night photographing pot plants, I suppose… This is all bizarre, but true; this is what he had, and he said, “I’ve got him too! Oh, I’ll get promoted… King of Metropolitan Police!”
And I thought, “I’m going down for 20p! No, I’m gonna run for it! I’ll run for it like Mel Gibson in the film “Gallipoli,” and… other people in running films.
So I run, and I run, and I run, and I run, and after five inches, they caught me…
They called for backup, and now 20 policemen are coming down, thousands of pounds worth of police work – “We’ve got the 20p kid! 20ps are safe from now on…”
And three policemen pulled me for five minutes! I don’t know if you’ve ever had this, they grab one leg each, and I don’t know – obviously, they were working together; they thought I was struggling like crazy, I’d given up at this point. one over here was going, “Don’t struggle, there! Don’t struggle!” People over here going, “Eh! Don’t you fuckin’ struggle!”So it was a continuous machine of them pulling against each other, had one hand free, I was going, “Hi! How are you? I’ll talk about this in many years…”
And then they put me in Bower Street overnight, and that became assaulting a police officer! Surely it was stretching a pedestrian! It was! I got down for assault, and I was running away! Assault is motion towards, I feel…it takes an accusative. Very rarely in war, they go, “Assault that hill over there!” “Let me do a bit of stretching here…” I should have been done for deserting a police officer.
There’s a shop in South London which was a very… it’s still there, apparently. It’s in Tooting High Street, and it sells two very disparate items. On one side of the shop – they put them on different sides, it’s great! One side is guns, and knives, and harpoons and fucking- really mean fucking weapons. On the other side, there’s banjos, and violins, and bassoons, And you know about it, don’t
you? Yeah! It’s fucking there! And what’s the guy doing? “Oh, we’re way down in weaponry,
but up on banjos this week… That’s good, people are getting lighter these days, in tough times. They shift to music like crazy at the moment! Way down on bassoons!”
This animated short about literacy introduces us to Meena, a young girl who hates books even though her parents love to read. Books are everywhere in Meena's house, in cupboards, drawers and even piled up on the stairs. Still, she refuses to even open one up. But when her cat Max accidentally knocks down a huge stack, pandemonium ensues and nothing is ever the same again...
But in America, it was different. The founding fathers landed in ... (Mumbles) They left from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth. How lucky is that? "Is this Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth. "We've gone round in a circle, lads, back on the boats." They said, "This is where our God has brought us to. "We can practice our religion, raise a family. "There's nobody here. Excuse me. "Nobody here. Yes, a land empty of human existence.
"Who the fuck are these guys? "What's all this, please? "No, we don't want any of your food, thank you very much. "Just put some clothes on."Meanwhile, that winter... "Excuse me, do you have any food? "I love all this, lovely idea." "I'm sorry we were a bit brusque when we first arrived. We didn't realize you owned the entire country. "But you have no system of ownership? Mm. lnteresting. "That'll be useful later. Food, thank you very much. "There's more of us coming but we'll keep our promises."
If you've been in a big aeroplane, no one's listening to the security announcements. Everyone's going, "Yeah, yeah. There, there. "Lights flash. Put the thing on. Pull the thing " and death." It's a kind of, "Yeah, all right."
So the pilots have been told to kick up the importance of these speeches.They go, "Please do listen to the safety announcements "because we've changed things around. "You don't know. We're putting the life jacket on back to front. "Some of the safety exits are false. They're not true. "And I've got a bad feeling about this flight. I don't think we're going to make it." After that everyone's going, "Show me everything!"Private showing. I'm putting it on now. Fuck it. "Yes, I'll have coffee, thanks."
They have these life jackets and you pull it and... Thbpth! You've got a pipe here for top-up. I don't want top-up. I want stays-up. Top-up implies hole in. Implies having to... I want fucking stays-up, no hole in the first place, thank you. Bloody top-up! It's all a bit tea and crumpets with the vicar. Top-up. Crashed in the Atlantic, bobbing around. "Oh, you survived as well. Well done. Care for a top-up? "Couldn't top me up, could you?" "I didn't need it. I'm just trying to break the ice. "Hey, float over here. "Look. Two pipes. Panpipes." It's miles to Europe, miles to America. You've got your whistle.A little light going beep, beep.
... In the lead-up to today, a Guy Fawkes mask spawned by the 2006 movie “V for Vendetta” has become the accessory of choice at Occupy Wall Street and similar protests around the world.
So who was Guy Fawkes, and how did he become a symbol of protesters more than 400 years after his death?
Guy Fawkes was a Catholic who, spurred by religious persecution, led a plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament and bring down England’s Protestant monarchy. He was caught, imprisoned in the Tower of London, and tortured for four days under personal orders from King James I.
He refused to name his co-conspirators, but they were caught anyway. The plotters were tried, found guilty and sentenced to death by being hanged, drawn and quartered.
Annual commemorations of the foiled plot began soon after, as reminders to defend England from other traitors, especially disloyal Catholics. Over time they became a day and night of fun and pranks, with bonfires, fireworks and the burning of children’s effigies of Fawkes. Today kids have swapped effigies for Halloween, leaving just Bonfire Night and its fireworks, according to The Guardian.
In Britain in the early 1980s, artist David Lloyd and writer Alan Moore created the graphic novel “V for Vendetta,” about a masked rebel named V who fights a fascist future British government. Lloyd suggested having the rebel wear a Guy Fawkes costume.
“We shouldn’t burn the chap every 5 November but celebrate his attempt to blow up Parliament!” Lloyd wrote in a 1983 essay titled “Behind the Painted Smile.”
This inverted Fawkes’ image — from traitor to hero fighting an unjust state. It also separated it from religion. The movie adaptation of “V for Vendetta” concocted a finale in which a whole movement of discontents wearing Guy Fawkes costumes watch the Houses of Parliament burn.
The Fawkes mask resembles the man only in having dark hair and a moustache. The mask adds the soul patch, rosy cheeks and charismatic-trickster look.
In 2008 the Fawkes mask was appropriated by the hacker group Anonymous as its public face for a protest against Scientology, according to the BBC. Forbes.com has reported that Anonymous has said it would execute a computer attack on the Mexican drug cartel Zetas today, a date picked for its echo of Guy Fawkes Day...
E: Can I ask about what you said on the telly?
E: Did you mean it?
V: Every word.
E: You really think that blowing up the parliament is going to make this country a better place.
V: There is no certainty only opportunity.
E: I think that you can be pretty certain that if anyone does show up Creedy will black bag every one of them.
V: People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
Evey: And you're going to make that happen by blowing up a building?
V: The building is a symbol, as is the act of destroying it. Symbols are given power by people. Alone, a symbol is meaningless, but with enough people, blowing up a building can change the world.
Evey: I wish I could believe that was possible."
Hugh and Stephen are sitting in a TV studio. There is a table lamp. Hugh has an annoying accent.
Stephen Now, Mr Nude, you claim ...
Hugh That's right, I do claim, I do ...
Stephen Yes, you claim to be able to bend spoons with psychic energy ...
Hugh Psychic energy, yes, that is the method I have chosen, to bend spoons, yes.
Stephen How long have you had this ability?
Hugh How long, precisely, that's absolutely right.
Hugh Indeed, you are very sympathetic, thank you. It's very difficult when people are not sympathetic, but you are very sympathetic.
Stephen Thank you.
Hugh No, thank you.
Stephen Can you do other things with spoons, apart from bend them?
Hugh Yes of course I can. I can do anything with a spoon.
Stephen Can you?
Hugh Indeed I can. Give me a spoon, and I will give you the world.
Stephen Well that's a very impressive claim, certainly.
Hugh Thank you.
Stephen That's alright. Well Mr Nude, we have some spoons here. Perhaps you'd care to give us a demonstration?
Hugh I am not a circus freak, you know.
Stephen I realise that.
Hugh Some people think I am a freak. I am not a freak.
Stephen Well I'm sure that nobody here ...
Hugh "Freak!" They sometimes shout at me in the street.
Stephen Do they really? That's awful.
Hugh But you are very sympathetic.
Stephen Thank you.
Hugh Thank you.
Stephen Would you care to have a go at bending this spoon for us?
Hugh Thank you, yes I will bend this spoon.
Stephen Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nude is now going to bend this spoon using psychic energy.
Hugh That's right, now is when I'm going to bend it.
Stephen Go ahead, Mr Nude.
Hugh quite plainly bends the spoon with his hands.
Hugh Thank you very much, you are all very sympathetic.
Stephen Well the spoon is certainly bent.
Hugh Of course it is bent. Of course it is. I bent the spoon, so, of course it is bent.
Stephen Yes, that much is clear and without argument.
Hugh Forgive me, I am very tired now. To bend a spoon is very tiring, and I have bent too many spoons today.
Stephen How many spoons have you bent today?
Hugh Four spoons today. It is too much. I am not a freak, you know. I am a human being.
Stephen Forgive me, Mr Nude ...
Hugh Of course.
Stephen Thank you.
Hugh Thank you.
Stephen But from where I was sitting, it looked rather as if you just bent the spoon with your hands.
Hugh What are you saying?
Stephen I'm saying that ...
Hugh What is this?
Stephen It's a bent spoon.
Stephen Oh quite, the question is how did you bend it?
Hugh I don't know how much I like you now.
Stephen Well, I'm sorry.
Hugh Before I thought you were very sympathetic ...
Stephen Well I hope that ...
Hugh But now, I think you are not so sympathetic. Now, I don't like you.
Stephen I'm sorry to hear that.
Hugh At all.
Stephen Are you sure it isn't "fraud" that people shout at you in the street, rather than freak?
Hugh It is you who make the claims. I have always been honest. I bend the spoons with psychic energy, I have told you. I never claimed to be able to bend them with my hands. That is your claim.
Stephen And you did bend it with your hands.
Hugh The spoon is bent, that is enough. Perhaps it does flow through my hands this psychic energy of which you claim. It may be. Certainly the spoon is bent. Therefore I bent it.
Stephen I can bend a spoon with my hands too.
Hugh I have never said that my powers are unique. Always have I striven to teach the world that anyone may bend a spoon. My book is not expensive.
Stephen bends a spoon.
Hugh To think I found you sympathetic. I hate you now.
Stephen Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.
Hugh (Simultaneously) If viewers living in the Matlock and Buxton areas of Derbyshire would be so kind as to inspect their cutlery drawers at home they will find that they contain a bent spoon and an unused Weetabix special offer coupon. I can also reveal that everyone in the town of Datchett over the age of fourteen has a slight itch just above the right thigh which they are scratching as I speak. Thank you.
Mary: So … then I was there for about three years and then I moved to the job I’m at now and I’ve been there for about six months now… Oh, sorry! Oh, I’m so sorry, I know this is our first date, I must be boring you to tears.
First Partner: Oh no, no, no, please.
Mary: It’s just … I don’t know, I’ve not had a lot of luck with men. They always seem to leave me.
First Partner: A pretty girl like you? Why?
Mary: I don’t know, maybe I’m too clingy… It’s just…whenever I start to get close to somebody, that’s it, he’s off.
First Partner: That’s terrible!
Mary: I know. Because it makes you feel you can never really open up to someone because as soon as you do …
BEEP. CHANGE PARTNERS, PLEASE
Mary (crying): Harry, Harry, I’m …
Second Partner: Hi! I’m Richard.
Richard: Mary! Hello! Richard Young. We were at school together.
Mary: Oh my God! How are you? You look fantastic.
Richard: Thanks. You know, you probably don’t know this, but I always had a massive crush on you back then.
Mary: Really? I always liked you too, I just never had the courage to say anything.
Richard: Why? I never thought I’d have a chance to tell you that.
Mary: Me neither.
Richard: Listen. Why don’t we get out of here and go for a drink?
Mary: Oh Richard! I think that that would …
BEEP: CHANGE PARTNERS, PLEASE
Mary: Richard, Richard, wait… (Third Partner arrives) Listen, I know we don’t have much time, and I know we’ve only just met and I don’t want you to be scared of me, you know, it’s just I have this thing where I scare men away but I’m not really like that, you see, I’m nice and I’m kind, I just want someone who I can open up to, who won’t be afraid when I do, do you understand? Because as soon as I start getting closer to somebody, they run away or they disappear. It’s not that I’m needy or clingy, it’s just I want to be able to share my emotions, you know, and I think that we, you and I, we’ve established a connection here, haven’t we? And I think if we gave this a chance, this could be something really special because I don’t think I’ve felt love about someone before, and I think I love you and maybe you can love me too if you gave it a chance to get to know me.
BEEP. AND THAT’S THE END OF OUR SESSION
Third Partner: Sorry? Could I…
Third Partner: Can I ask you something?
Third Partner: Do you know the name of that red-haired over there?
For Miranda, the only thing worse than being Charlotte's 34-year-old bridesmaid was being a 34-year-old bridesmaid without a date. With the wedding less than a week away, Miranda fell prey to the siren song of a New York singles event: Multi-dating.
$20 bought you seven mini-dates, each eight minutes long which incidentally is about as long as blind dates should be.
- Hi. I'm Miranda Hobbes.
- Dwight Owens. Private wealth group at Morgan Stanley Investment Management for high net-worth individuals and pension plans. Like my job, been there five years, divorced, no kids, not religious. I live in New Jersey, speak French and Portuguese. ........... Business School. Any of this appealing?
- Sure. Portuguese, that's impressive.
- Obrigado. What about you, Mandy?
- I'm a lawyer at a mid-sized firm. Actually, I was recently made partner.
- Certainly. Well, as you can see, we've had lots of letters, erm, in response to our name quest.
- Yes, we know that most of you out there have met people with amusing or unusual names.
- And so we asked you to send in and write and tell us what names they were.
- Yes, and what corkers you've sent us. Thanks so much.
- Yes, I've, for instance, got a letter here. "Dear Mr Fry and Laurie, There is a man who comes to wash my windows once a month whose name is Jervillian Swike. It always makes me laugh a great deal." That was sent in by Mr Suckmaster Burstingfoam of Ipswich.
This is an absolute favourite of mine here. "Dear A Bit of Fry & Laurie, I was at school with a boy called Donald Duck and later went out with a woman named Soilia Piffin. Yours, Peter Cummin-Myear."
-5 pounds on its way to you, Mr Cummin-Myear.
Well, then here's another. "Dear 'A Bit of Fry & Laurie', My wife's first husband was called Simon Coggie. I still split my sides whenever I hear that stupid name. Yours faithfully, Frigmy Popplehate-Fresharse."
- Well, absolutely tremendous response all around. Thanks so much to those of you who sent these in. Meanwhile...
Hugh: Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address, whoever he is?
Stephen: Your address please, sir.
Hugh: Alright. My address is Number twenty-two ... (Hugh tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.
Stephen: Now watch it.
Stephen: Just watch it.
Hugh: Watch what, for heaven's sake?
Stephen: You do realise, do you, that assaulting a police officer is an extremely serious offence?
Hugh: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But telling a police officer your address, on the other hand, is probably not very serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked to.
Stephen: Alright. Alright. My fault. Ask a stupid person and you get a stupid answer.
Hugh: I beg your pardon?
Stephen: So, can I just check this with you, Mr ... (Drops lighter) ... ?
Stephen: Just to make sure I've got this right. Your address is ... number twenty-two ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn?
Hugh: No, no, no! What's the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's ... (Tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.
Stephen: Oh I'm sorry. I though you said ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn.
Hugh: Well I didn't.
Stephen: My apologies sir. I can't read my own writing.
Hugh: Well get a typewriter.
Stephen: If only we could afford it. Actually, at some angles, this almost looks like ... twenty-two ... (Tapdances, hits Hugh with a cricket bat) ... Kings Lynn.
Hugh: That was too hard.
Stephen: Oh I'm sorry sir. You're right. We really should get a typewriter.
Hugh: That was too hard.
Stephen: Well sir, you must admit that it's an unusual address for anyone to get the hang of ...
Hugh: Never mind the fucking sketch! That was too hard. That really hurt.
Stephen: Oh diddums. Did the nasty actor hit the poor little twerp ...