Saturday, December 31, 2011
Two Thousand Eleven was hairy,
A year unlike any we've seen.
There were Schweddy Balls from Ben & Jerry,
And a warlock assassin named Sheen! Winning!
Mitt Romney, Rick Perry and Cain-
Two Thousand Eleven, buh-bye!
The S&P blew up our rating.
The job market stayed in a slump, a slump.
The debt ceiling kept us debating
While Weiner just tweeted his junk!
I nearly got hit with a pie!
Two Thousand Eleven, buh-bye!
The whole Arab world was rebelling.
So long, Moo-a-mar Ka-da-FAY!
While soldiers were asking and telling...
We told the whole world, "We're not gay!"
We finally took out bin Laden.
Japan had one hell of a year! (A year)
There were riots in Britain --
Not yet, but it's near! (Next year)
Two Thousand Eleven, buh-bye!
There were Occupy Wall Street protesters,
And folks who will surely be missed,
There's just way too much stuff to list! (To list)
Loose Lions and Tigers And Bears (Oh my!)
Let's cheer the new year!
Two Thousand Eleven
You're ending -- Thank heaven!
Two Thousand Eleven, BUH-BYE!!!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Ghost busters theme song and the Ghost of Christmas Present (David Tennant) appears.
Ghost:Makes me laugh every time! Hello? Ghost of Christmas Present.
Nan: That's all I need, a Scotch ghost with a comedy ringtone.
Ghost: Oh hiya. No I'm just in the middle of a wee job, can I call you back? OK, lets get started! Now have you got any of those porcini mushrooms? Cause I see you have a wee tin of the button variety but they've not got the same zip.
Nan: Give me strength!
Ghost: I've got a wee risotto on the go, I don't think we should travel on an empty stomach. So? Porcini mushrooms?
Nan: Yes love, they'll be in my fridge, next to my Chinese water spinach.
Ghost: Fantastic, I don't see any Chinese water spinach?
Nan: No darling? Oh, you know what they've probably fallen down by my Goji berries.
Ghost: No, I can't seem to find anything.
Nan: No? I can't help you then love.
Ghost: Are you sure they are in there?
Nan: Of course, they're not! What's the matter with you What do you think this is? Saturday Kitchen?
Ghost: Oh, I love that show, James Martin, don't get me started!
Nan: Well, it's just as well he can cook, cause he dances like he's shit himself.
Ghost: I'm sorry but his cha-cha-cha was a triumph!
Nan: What do you know about it? You're a ghost, and not much of one by the looks of you.
Ghost: What's wrong with the way I look? This is Giorgio Armani!
Nan: I don't care if it's George at Asda! That aint what a ghost's supposed to wear!
Ghost: I'm the ghost of Christmas present, I'm up to the minute! Constantly changing. Ever evolving, yet always on trend! Unstructured, yet tailored, clean lines, sharp sillouette but with a whiff of the shambolic rockstar! Do not criticise the clobber!
Nan: You couldn't be bothered, could you? Nah, that other fella I had here before, oh smashing he was! Yeah he looked the part! Was all done up in his costume, lovely pale face and what a stench! He stank like a rancid old arse! Whereas you,,, you smell like? God what is that?
Ghost: That's Paul Smith Summer!
Nan: You're very effeminate for a ghost!
Ghost: Hey, Don't play your games with me Joany Taylor! Alright! You think your snide wee remarks are going to get a rise out of me you've another thing coming! It's wake up time, OK? Because the things I'm going to show you tonight will leave you horrified by what you've become! And just for the record, there is nothing effeminate about me! OK?
Ohh RISOTTO RISOTTO RISOTTO!!! I've burnt it!
Nan: Yeah, well, risottos are notoriously difficult to time.
Nan: Yeah alright, keep your skinny jeans on! This ain't my kitchen!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Charlie: Isn’t there anyone who understands what Christmas is all about?
Linus: Sure, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
Linus goes to center stage, spotlight.
Linus: “And there were in the same country Shepards abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in the manger.’ And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, ‘glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.’”
Linus picks up blanket, walks back to piano.
Linus: That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
Friday, December 23, 2011
In this animated short by Sheldon Cohen, young May wants a dog more than anything else in the world. She thinks about dogs all the time; she talks about them, reads about them and covers the walls of her bedroom with dog pictures. But every time she asks her parents for a puppy, they tell her to wait till she's older. But sticking to her motto of "If at first you don’t succeed, try again," May comes up with an ingenious idea to change her parents' minds. Based on the book by Dayal Kaur Khalsa.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Also, I got done for jumping a 20p tube fare! This is my whole crime sheet, right? Which is quite an interesting read… 20p! This is not Don Corleone, this is Don Crap.
I jumped a 20p underground tube fare, and I was waving a pass at the time, you know, it was drawn on a Rizzler or something; it was a Bishop of Durham pass. “I’m the Bishop of Durham… And the guy said, “Bless you my son, bless you my son” “You’re not Bishop of Durham! He wears a bigger hat than that!”
So he got me. “I got him! I got the 20p kid! You’ve caused us £1.60 worth of trouble, you have, in your time. I’ve got him and I’ll be promoted in the underground system. I’ll get my own darkness!”
Then an off-duty policeman came, and he had a pot plant and a camera, on his way home for a good night photographing pot plants, I suppose… This is all bizarre, but true; this is what he had, and he said, “I’ve got him too! Oh, I’ll get promoted… King of Metropolitan Police!” And I thought, “I’m going down for 20p! No, I’m gonna run for it! I’ll run for it like Mel Gibson in the film “Gallipoli,” and… other people in running films. So I run, and I run, and I run, and I run, and after five inches, they caught me…
They called for backup, and now 20 policemen are coming down, thousands of pounds worth of police work – “We’ve got the 20p kid! 20ps are safe from now on…” And three policemen pulled me for five minutes! I don’t know if you’ve ever had this, they grab one leg each, and I don’t know – obviously, they were working together; they thought I was struggling like crazy, I’d given up at this point. one over here was going, “Don’t struggle, there! Don’t struggle!” People over here going, “Eh! Don’t you fuckin’ struggle!”So it was a continuous machine of them pulling against each other, had one hand free, I was going, “Hi! How are you? I’ll talk about this in many years…”
And then they put me in Bower Street overnight, and that became assaulting a police officer! Surely it was stretching a pedestrian! It was! I got down for assault, and I was running away! Assault is motion towards, I feel…it takes an accusative. Very rarely in war, they go, “Assault that hill over there!” “Let me do a bit of stretching here…” I should have been done for deserting a police officer.
There’s a shop in South London which was a very… it’s still there, apparently. It’s in Tooting High Street, and it sells two very disparate items. On one side of the shop – they put them on different sides, it’s great! One side is guns, and knives, and harpoons and fucking- really mean fucking weapons. On the other side, there’s banjos, and violins, and bassoons, And you know about it, don’t you? Yeah! It’s fucking there! And what’s the guy doing? “Oh, we’re way down in weaponry, but up on banjos this week… That’s good, people are getting lighter these days, in tough times. They shift to music like crazy at the moment! Way down on bassoons!”
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Matt Lucas and David Walliams return to the BBC with a new series set in a busy airport. In this clip, it turns out the speedy boarding scheme at FlyLo may not be as quick as it claims.
The FlyLo Check-in girls are the glamorous face of the airline...
- Hello, madam.
.. and 22-year-old Melody Baines is no exception.
- I hope you don't mind me saying, madam, but I couldn't help noticing you are quite old.
- Well, yes.
- So I wondered if you wanted to take advantage of our speedy boarding scheme?
- What's that?
- There are no reserved seats on this flight so you pay an extra £20 and you can board the plane before anyone else.
- Do I need to do that?
- I'd hate to see you trampled underfoot.
-Some passengers do resent the extra charges, but just last week we did lose an elderly gentleman in a stampede. All that was left was a shoe.
- Oh, I don't seem to have any speedy boarding passes to hand. One moment, please.
- FlyLo Check-in, Keeley speaking.
- Who's calling, please?
- Hi, Melody. Is this about the speedy boarding passes?
- Yeah, I seem to have run out. Have you got any spares?
- Yeah, I'll just get one over to you as soon as I can.
- Ok, bye.
- Shouldn't be a mo.
- Excuse me, madam, can you pass this over to my colleague, please? Thanks, love.
- There you are, madam, one speedy boarding pass.
- Thank you.
- Do you sell many of these?
- Yes! Today we've sold one toevery passenger on the flight. Next, please.
Monday, December 5, 2011
This animated short about literacy introduces us to Meena, a young girl who hates books even though her parents love to read. Books are everywhere in Meena's house, in cupboards, drawers and even piled up on the stairs. Still, she refuses to even open one up. But when her cat Max accidentally knocks down a huge stack, pandemonium ensues and nothing is ever the same again...