Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Hollow Men - Speed Dating

The Hollow Men
Speed Dating
Comedy CentralFunny VideosFunny TV Shows
Mary: So … then I was there for about three years and then I moved to the job I’m at now and I’ve been there for about six months now… Oh, sorry! Oh, I’m so sorry, I know this is our first date, I must be boring you to tears.
First Partner: Oh no, no, no, please.
Mary: It’s just … I don’t know, I’ve not had a lot of luck with men. They always seem to leave me.
First Partner: A pretty girl like you? Why?
Mary: I don’t know, maybe I’m too clingy… It’s just…whenever I start to get close to somebody, that’s it, he’s off.
First Partner: That’s terrible!
Mary: I know. Because it makes you feel you can never really open up to someone because as soon as you do …
Mary (crying): Harry, Harry, I’m …
Second Partner: Hi! I’m Richard.
Mary: Mary
Richard: Mary! Hello! Richard Young. We were at school together.
Mary: Oh my God! How are you? You look fantastic.
Richard: Thanks. You know, you probably don’t know this, but I always had a massive crush on you back then.
Mary: Really? I always liked you too, I just never had the courage to say anything.
Richard: Why? I never thought I’d have a chance to tell you that.
Mary: Me neither.
Richard: Listen. Why don’t we get out of here and go for a drink?
Mary: Oh Richard! I think that that would …
Mary: Richard, Richard, wait… (Third Partner arrives) Listen, I know we don’t have much time, and I know we’ve only just met and I don’t want you to be scared of me, you know, it’s just I have this thing where I scare men away but I’m not really like that, you see, I’m nice and I’m kind, I just want someone who I can open up to, who won’t be afraid when I do, do you understand? Because as soon as I start getting closer to somebody, they run away or they disappear. It’s not that I’m needy or clingy, it’s just I want to be able to share my emotions, you know, and I think that we, you and I, we’ve established a connection here, haven’t we? And I think if we gave this a chance, this could be something really special because I don’t think I’ve felt love about someone before, and I think I love you and maybe you can love me too if you gave it a chance to get to know me.
Third Partner: Sorry? Could I…
Mary: Yes.
Third Partner: Can I ask you something?
Mary: Yes.
Third Partner: Do you know the name of that red-haired over there?
Mary: No, no, I don’t, no.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sex and the city - Speed dating

For Miranda, the only thing worse than being Charlotte's 34-year-old bridesmaid was being a 34-year-old bridesmaid without a date. With the wedding less than a week away, Miranda fell prey to the siren song of a New York singles event: Multi-dating.
$20 bought you seven mini-dates, each eight minutes long which incidentally is about as long as blind dates should be.
- Hi. I'm Miranda Hobbes.
- Dwight Owens. Private wealth group at Morgan Stanley Investment Management for high net-worth individuals and pension plans. Like my job, been there five years, divorced, no kids, not religious. I live in New Jersey, speak French and Portuguese. ........... Business School. Any of this appealing?
- Sure. Portuguese, that's impressive.
- Obrigado. What about you, Mandy?
- Miranda.
- I'm a lawyer at a mid-sized firm. Actually, I was recently made partner.
- I'm a lawyer.
- I'm a lawyer. I went to Harvard Law School.
- I'm a stewardess.
- Really?

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Bit of Fry and Laurie - Names

- Hello.
- Certainly. Well, as you can see, we've had lots of letters, erm, in response to our name quest.
- Yes, we know that most of you out there have met people with amusing or unusual names.
- And so we asked you to send in and write and tell us what names they were.
- Yes, and what corkers you've sent us. Thanks so much.
- Yes, I've, for instance, got a letter here. "Dear Mr Fry and Laurie, There is a man who comes to wash my windows once a month whose name is Jervillian Swike. It always makes me laugh a great deal." That was sent in by Mr Suckmaster Burstingfoam of Ipswich.

This is an absolute favourite of mine here. "Dear A Bit of Fry & Laurie, I was at school with a boy called Donald Duck and later went out with a woman named Soilia Piffin. Yours, Peter Cummin-Myear."
-5 pounds on its way to you, Mr Cummin-Myear.
Well, then here's another. "Dear 'A Bit of Fry & Laurie', My wife's first husband was called Simon Coggie. I still split my sides whenever I hear that stupid name. Yours faithfully, Frigmy Popplehate-Fresharse."

- Well, absolutely tremendous response all around. Thanks so much to those of you who sent these in. Meanwhile...

A Bit of Fry and Laurie - 'Your name, sir?'

Stephen is a police sergeant, writing down the particulars of an arrest at the station counter. Hugh is on the other side, looking sheepish.
Stephen: And the vehicle belongs to you, does it sir?
Hugh: Yes.
Stephen: And your name is?
Hugh: Right. Hold on a second. (Hugh gets a lighter out of his pocket) Ready?
Stephen: Yes.
Hugh: My name is Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter onto the counter)
Stephen: What are you doing?
Hugh: That's my name.
Stephen: What is?
Hugh: This. Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter again)
Stephen: That's your name?
Hugh: Yes.
Stephen: What? Derek (Stephen drops the lighter) ... is your name?
Hugh: Yes.
Stephen: What kind of name is that?
Hugh: Well it's my name.
Stephen: Unusual, isn't it, Mr ... (Drops lighter)?
Hugh: If I had a pound for every time someone's said that ...
Stephen: And how do spell ... (Drops lighter), Mr ... (Drops lighter)?
Hugh: It's as it sounds.
Stephen: Uhuh. Yeah but I wonder if you'd mind actually spelling it for me, would you?
Hugh: Well I mean, can't you just ...
Stephen: I'd be very grateful. If you wouldn't mind.
Hugh: N-I-P-P-L hyphen E.
Stephen: Nipple.
Hugh: I beg your pardon?
Stephen: Nipple.
Hugh: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?
Stephen: N-I-P-P-L-E ...
Hugg: Hyphen E.
Stephen: Hyphen E ... spells Nipple. In my book. It does not spell ... (Drops lighter).
Hugh:Have you gone mad? What's the matter with you? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit. You can't even spell.
Stephen: Alright, Mr Nipple, address? Hugh looks around. What's your address?
Hugh: Are you talking to me?
Stephen: Yes.
Hugh: You want to know my address?
Stephen: Please.
Hugh: Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address, whoever he is?
Stephen: Your address please, sir.
Hugh: Alright. My address is Number twenty-two ... (Hugh tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.
Stephen: Now watch it.
Hugh: What?
Stephen: Just watch it.
Hugh: Watch what, for heaven's sake?
Stephen: You do realise, do you, that assaulting a police officer is an extremely serious offence?
Hugh: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But telling a police officer your address, on the other hand, is probably not very serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked to.
Stephen: Alright. Alright. My fault. Ask a stupid person and you get a stupid answer.
Hugh: I beg your pardon?
Stephen: So, can I just check this with you, Mr ... (Drops lighter) ... ?
Hugh: What?
Stephen: Just to make sure I've got this right. Your address is ... number twenty-two ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn?
Hugh: No, no, no! What's the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's ... (Tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.
Stephen: Oh I'm sorry. I though you said ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn.
Hugh: Well I didn't.
Stephen: My apologies sir. I can't read my own writing.
Hugh: Well get a typewriter.
Stephen: If only we could afford it. Actually, at some angles, this almost looks like ... twenty-two ... (Tapdances, hits Hugh with a cricket bat) ... Kings Lynn.
Hugh: That was too hard.
Stephen: Oh I'm sorry sir. You're right. We really should get a typewriter.
Hugh: That was too hard.
Stephen: Well sir, you must admit that it's an unusual address for anyone to get the hang of ...
Hugh: Never mind the fucking sketch! That was too hard. That really hurt.
Stephen: Oh diddums. Did the nasty actor hit the poor little twerp ...
Hugh: Fuck off. Hugh exits.
Stephen: (To camera) He's just a child really.