Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Eddie Izzard - Easter and Christmas

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,
"Jesus died for your sins."
"Yeah, I know, it's great!”
“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”
“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!
Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.
"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"
"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."
"Well, what about a clockwork train?"
"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.”
And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The “partridge in a pear tree” song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren't there going,
" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."
"Oh, all right..."
" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...’ Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."
"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"
"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."
"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go.""Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"
"Well, I don't know… I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."
"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."
"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."
"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' "
"All right."
"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member...( mocking laughter ) "

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