Monday, September 26, 2011

A Bit of Fry and Laurie - 'Your name, sir?'

Stephen is a police sergeant, writing down the particulars of an arrest at the station counter. Hugh is on the other side, looking sheepish.
Stephen: And the vehicle belongs to you, does it sir?
Hugh: Yes.
Stephen: And your name is?
Hugh: Right. Hold on a second. (Hugh gets a lighter out of his pocket) Ready?
Stephen: Yes.
Hugh: My name is Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter onto the counter)
Stephen: What are you doing?
Hugh: That's my name.
Stephen: What is?
Hugh: This. Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter again)
Stephen: That's your name?
Hugh: Yes.
Stephen: What? Derek (Stephen drops the lighter) ... is your name?
Hugh: Yes.
Stephen: What kind of name is that?
Hugh: Well it's my name.
Stephen: Unusual, isn't it, Mr ... (Drops lighter)?
Hugh: If I had a pound for every time someone's said that ...
Stephen: And how do spell ... (Drops lighter), Mr ... (Drops lighter)?
Hugh: It's as it sounds.
Stephen: Uhuh. Yeah but I wonder if you'd mind actually spelling it for me, would you?
Hugh: Well I mean, can't you just ...
Stephen: I'd be very grateful. If you wouldn't mind.
Hugh: N-I-P-P-L hyphen E.
Stephen: Nipple.
Hugh: I beg your pardon?
Stephen: Nipple.
Hugh: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?
Stephen: N-I-P-P-L-E ...
Hugg: Hyphen E.
Stephen: Hyphen E ... spells Nipple. In my book. It does not spell ... (Drops lighter).
Hugh:Have you gone mad? What's the matter with you? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit. You can't even spell.
Stephen: Alright, Mr Nipple, address? Hugh looks around. What's your address?
Hugh: Are you talking to me?
Stephen: Yes.
Hugh: You want to know my address?
Stephen: Please.
Hugh: Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address, whoever he is?
Stephen: Your address please, sir.
Hugh: Alright. My address is Number twenty-two ... (Hugh tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.
Stephen: Now watch it.
Hugh: What?
Stephen: Just watch it.
Hugh: Watch what, for heaven's sake?
Stephen: You do realise, do you, that assaulting a police officer is an extremely serious offence?
Hugh: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But telling a police officer your address, on the other hand, is probably not very serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked to.
Stephen: Alright. Alright. My fault. Ask a stupid person and you get a stupid answer.
Hugh: I beg your pardon?
Stephen: So, can I just check this with you, Mr ... (Drops lighter) ... ?
Hugh: What?
Stephen: Just to make sure I've got this right. Your address is ... number twenty-two ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn?
Hugh: No, no, no! What's the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's ... (Tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.
Stephen: Oh I'm sorry. I though you said ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn.
Hugh: Well I didn't.
Stephen: My apologies sir. I can't read my own writing.
Hugh: Well get a typewriter.
Stephen: If only we could afford it. Actually, at some angles, this almost looks like ... twenty-two ... (Tapdances, hits Hugh with a cricket bat) ... Kings Lynn.
Hugh: That was too hard.
Stephen: Oh I'm sorry sir. You're right. We really should get a typewriter.
Hugh: That was too hard.
Stephen: Well sir, you must admit that it's an unusual address for anyone to get the hang of ...
Hugh: Never mind the fucking sketch! That was too hard. That really hurt.
Stephen: Oh diddums. Did the nasty actor hit the poor little twerp ...
Hugh: Fuck off. Hugh exits.
Stephen: (To camera) He's just a child really.

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