Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Eddie Izzard - Plane Safety

If you've been in a big aeroplane, no one's listening to the security announcements. Everyone's going, "Yeah, yeah. There, there. "Lights flash. Put the thing on. Pull the thing " and death." It's a kind of, "Yeah, all right." 

So the pilots have been told to kick up the importance of these speeches.They go, "Please do listen to the safety announcements "because we've changed things around. "You don't know. We're putting the life jacket on back to front. "Some of the safety exits are false. They're not true. "And I've got a bad feeling about this flight. I don't think we're going to make it." After that everyone's going, "Show me everything!"Private showing. I'm putting it on now. Fuck it. "Yes, I'll have coffee, thanks."

They have these life jackets and you pull it and... Thbpth! You've got a pipe here for top-up. I don't want top-up. I want stays-up. Top-up implies hole in. Implies having to... I want fucking stays-up, no hole in the first place, thank you. Bloody top-up! It's all a bit tea and crumpets with the vicar. Top-up. Crashed in the Atlantic, bobbing around. "Oh, you survived as well. Well done. Care for a top-up? "Couldn't top me up, could you?" "I didn't need it. I'm just trying to break the ice. "Hey, float over here. "Look. Two pipes. Panpipes." It's miles to Europe, miles to America. You've got your whistle.A little light going beep, beep.

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