Friday, April 16, 2010

The League of Gentlemen - Attachments dating agency

OLIVE: So…caring, considerate, good looking. Is this what you are or what you want?
IAN: It’s what I want.
OLIVE: Right…I was going to say, good looking? OK, my name’s Olive and it’s my job to build up a profile of you and then match it to a suitable lady from our extensive files. So question one – are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
IAN: Sorry?
OLIVE: Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
IAN: I can’t really say.
OLIVE: So, not at all kind to animals.
IAN: Well don’t put that!
OLIVE: I’ve got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?
IAN: When?
OLIVE: In general.
IAN: Sometimes…
OLIVE: So…quiet.
IAN: Well, do you have to put that?
OLIVE: Well, we need ally your bad points as well, you know.
IAN: Well that’s not so much of a bad point, is it?
OLIVE: You say that but you can’t get a girlfriend, can you? Let me explain a little bit about how a dating agency works. 95% of the people who come in here are weirdos. In fact, my boyfriend doesn’t like me working here. It’s not that he’s jealous – I tell him, “you see the state of them!” No, he just thinks it’s depressing for me.
IAN: Did you meet him through an agency?
OLIVE: God, no! I shall tell him that tonight in bed. He’ll laugh! No, we met at a friend’s party. You see, you meet people through people. And that’s what a lot of them haven’t got – friends. And ultimately, you have to question that, don’t you? Anyway, listen to me wittering on. Let’s get you paired up! Miracles can happen, you know! So how confident are you on a scale of one to ten? Ten being very confident.
IAN: Five...Two.
OLIVE: Are you single, married, divorced, widowed or separated? Single, obviously. Now do you want a physical relationship? Ian, I have to ask this, because frankly some of our ladies are not capable of blowing up a paper bag! Never mind the other!
IAN: Yes.
OLIVE: Yes, you are or you aren’t?
IAN: I am.
OLIVE: Ooh, it’s like “Cracker”, this! “Why did you force her, why did you force her?”
IAN: I DIDN’T FORCE HER! …I didn’t force her…
OLIVE: OK, Ian, we’ll put this into the computer and if we get a match we’ll let you know, OK?
IAN: Olive? Do you think, if – IF you didn’t have a boyfriend, one day you and me…

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