Thursday, May 5, 2011

President Bush Reacts to Osama Bin Laden's Death with Will Ferrell

Barack Obama sent Navy Seal Team 6 to take out Osama Bin Laden in Abbottabad and made a statement confirming it on Sunday night. Former President George W. Bush finally responds to who and what has been terrorizing him for years.

Good evening. Tonight, as of 14:00 hours military time, I can report to America, the world and the folks here at the Sizzler steakhouse on Canyon Ranch Road – right outside my gate-guarded community in Dallas, Texas where I frequently eat lunch – that I've personally overseen a strategic and covert operation that killed the gopher who's been tearing up my backyard. This gopher has been responsible for terrorizing Laura's fruit trees and diggin' up holes all over the yard, causing me to trip and fall over them no less than 15 times a day. 

Buddy, go around, just go around.

None of us will ever forget that day when that sucker first reared its gopher head. I was reading Us magazine on the toilet when I heard a scuffle outside and ran to find my copy of The Dallas Morning Union Tribune Ledger Guardian newspaper was missing.

Then two years ago, a reliable source, my gardener Alberto de Mendía, identified a head gopher, who I named Ardilla, because that's Spanish for gopher and it's also real fun to say. Then last August, after years of painstaking work by my white staff, and my Mexican staff, I was briefed on a possible lead to Ardilla. We found out it was hiding deep inside a hole just 100 yards north of the jacuzzi-hot tub area.

Today, at my direction, Alberto de Mendía, my gardener/guide, who helps me get down from my horse Chocolate Thunder went in and rooted out the gopher while I watched through the blinds of my second kitchen. After a ferocious 40-minute firefight involving a lot of hissing, a garden hose and a rake, my staff killed Ardilla the gopher and took custody of his body. The gopher was buried in accordance with gopher burial traditions — it was wrapped in a bathroom mat, and thrown in my neighbor's yard.

So I repeat, Ardilla, the gopher is dead. God bless America, and God bless the Sizzler although it would be better this Sizzler had a taco bar. Some of them do.

Sir, they've killed Osama Bin Laden.

They've got Bin Laden? Well, that's two good things .

There also is a taco bar here.

There's a taco bar here?! That's three good things. This a great day for America. How did I miss it? Show me where it is.

Right this way.

How would I've missed it? I combed this place over, you know.

I understand, sir.

a gopher

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