BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One!, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me...
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken.. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
While large corners of the world are busy celebrating Obama's presidential victory there will be some people feeling slightly deflated to see George Bush step down as US president. Over the past eight years Bush has provided us with endless amusement as a result of his faux pas or ‘Bushisms' as they've been dubbed. Here are some of them:
"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005
"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000
"I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000
"I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002
"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004
"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000
"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000
"It is white" — after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like. - July 19, 2001
"They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004
Canadian radio comedian persuades Republican vice-presidential hopeful he is French leader in prank phone call
Perhaps Sarah Palin should have realised something was amiss when the caller purporting to be France's president, Nicolas Sarkozy, referred to "my special American adviser, Johnny Halliday".
Later in the call, maybe, she could have guessed that even the real Sarkozy would be unlikely to refer to his wife, Carla Bruni, as "so hot in bed" or talk about a supposed mutual love of hunting by saying "to take away a life, that is so fun".
The would-be vice president was, of course, speaking to Canadian comedian Marc-Antoine Audette, part of a radio duo who have made prank calls to a series of world leaders over the years.
Palin didn't give away anything of real note – except perhaps an ambition to be president herself "maybe in eight years" – or suffer any real embarrassments.
It is interesting, however, to hear Palin's eager tone of voice and exaggerated politeness ("We love you! Thanks you for talking to me!") which seemed to go beyond courtesy into sheer fandom.
Maybe Palin – like many others - still can't believe the position she's in right now.
Here's a popular British rhyme often quoted on Guy Fawkes Night, in memory of the Gunpowder Plot:
Remember, remember the fifth of November, The gunpowder, treason and plot, I know of no reason Why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot!
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, ’twas his intent To blow up the King and Parliament. Three score barrels Poor old England to overthrow;of powder below, By God’s providence he was catch’d With a dark lantern and burning match. Holloa boys, holloa boys, make the bells ring. Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!
A penny loaf to feed ol'Pope, A farthing cheese to choke him. A pint of beer to rinse it down, A faggot of sticks to burn him. Burn him in a tub of tar,' Burn him like a blazing star. Burn his body from his head, Then we'll say: ol'Pope is dead.
Like in America, some of the greatest British journalists and analysts also happen to be comedians. Watching The Last Laugh with John Bird (in the guise of investment banker, George Parr) and John Fortune (together known as the Long Johns), the same can certainly be said in Britain as well.
This is a transcript of this insightful comedian team who brilliantly and accurately describe the mindset of the investment banking community in this satirical interview. It was especially insightful considering this was recorded last year.
The second video at the end of this entry is the same as the first but it's subtitled in Spanish.
Here's the script:
John Fortune: George Parr, you are an investment banker.
John Bird: I am yes.
Fortune: And as such, you have your fingers right on the pulse of the financial markets.
Bird: Yes, very much so yes.
And during the summer, there’s been a great deal of turbulence, some volatility in the market.
Yes. A tremendous amount
Yes. What has caused that?
Well, you have to remember two things about the market, one is they are made up of very sharp and sophisticated people who are some of the greatest brains in the world. And the second thing you have to remember is that financial markets–to use the common phrase, are driven by sentiment.
What does that mean?
What does that mean. Well the thing is, let’s say things are going along as normal in the market, and then suddenly, out of the blue, one of these very sharp and sophisticated people say, “My GOD! Something AWFUL is going to happen! [Grasps face in despair] We’ve lost EVERYTHING! My God, what are we going to do, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
Shall I jump out of the window?
Shall I jump out of the window. EXACTLY! Let’s all jump out of the window! SELL!
SELL!
SELL!
SELL!
SELL!
SELL! SELL!
Sell. Yes. Precisely. And then a few days later, this same sophisticated person says, (calmly and pleasantly) “You know, I think things are going rather well.” And everybody says, “You know actually I think I agree with you.” “You know, I think we’re rich.” “We’re rich.” “Yes!”
Rich! Yes! BUY, BUY, BUY!
BUY, BUY, BUY! Yes. And that is what we call market sentiment.
Yes. Well, surely we are exaggerating just a bit, aren’t we?
Well, I don’t know. IN August of this past year, when the market actually plunged in London, the well-known city firm, the State Streets Global markets issued a statement in which it said, and I quote, “Market participants don’t know whether to buy on the rumor and sell on the news, do the opposite, do both, or do neither depending on which way the wind is blowing.”
Yes. And this is the kind of rigorous analysis we’ve come to expect and we’ll pay huge salaries for.
Exactly.And a few days later when the markets have gone up a little bit, the senior equities advisor on ABM Ambro Morgan said, “We’re back to happy days again.” [Smiling pleasantly]
Well, no price is too high for that kind of mature wisdom.
Certainly. This kind of people are paid millions of pounds in bonuses.
Yes of course. There have been actual causes behind the volatility in the markets Specifically and especially in America, granting vast numbers of mortgages to people who can’t afford them on properties which are diminishing in value.
Yes. This is the so-called, sub-prime market.
How does that work in fact?
Well, imagine if you can, let us say an unemployed man, sitting on a crumbling porch somewhere in Alabama in his string vest, and a chap comes along and says “Would you like to buy this house before it falls down and won’t you let me lend you the money?”
And is this chap who says this, is he a banker?
Oh no, no, no. He’s a mortgage salesman. His income depends entirely on the number of mortgages that he can arrange.
So his judgment to arrange mortgages is completely objective.
Completely objective. Yes. Absolutely, yes. Yes.
And what happens next?
Well then this debt, this mortgage, this debt is taken, bought up by a bank and packaged together on Wall Street with a lot of other similar debts.
Without going into much detail about what is actually…
Without going into any detail. No, that’s far too boring. And so this is put into a package of debt and then it’s moved on to Wall Street and this is, it’s extraordinary what happens and somehow, this package of dodgey debts stops being a package of dodgey debts and starts being called a Structured Investment Vehicle.
An SIV?
An SIV, exactly.
Yes I see, and then someone like you, comes along and buys it.
Yes, I buy it yes, and I’ll ring up somebody in Tokyo and say, “Look, I’ve got this package, do you want to buy it?” And they’ll say, “What’s in it?” I’ll say, “I haven’t the faintest idea.” And they say, “How much do you want for it?” and I’ll say, “I want $100 million dollars,” and then they say, “Fine.” That’s it. So that’s the market.
And presumably this package–that kind of thing can happen several times to the same package.
Quite possibly yes.
And, every time it does of course then you or someone like you would get a fee, and a mark up and–
And a profit, yes. You don’t expect me to do it for nothing. It’s hard work…
In view of the fact that in these packages is a lot of dodgy debt, what is it about it that attracts the financial risk takers?
Well, because these hedge funds as they’re called which specialize in these debts–they all have very good names.
You mean they’re responsible companies.
No no. It has nothing to do with their reputation. They have actually very, very good names–the names they think up are very good. I’ll give you an example. There’s a very well-known American Wall Street firm called Bear Stearns, who have two of these hedge funds which specialize in these mortgage debts and they lost so much money, well, lost so much of the value that Bear Stearns announced they would have to put in $3.2 billion dollars into one of the funds to try to keep it afloat.
$3.2 billion dollars?
$3.2 billion, yes. And even then, they said the investors couldn’t get any money out of it, and they were going to let the other fund go. BUT, one of these funds was called The High Grade Structured Credit Strategists Fund, and the other was called the High Grade Structured Credit Enhanced Leverage Fund.
Well that sounds very good. That sounds very trustworthy.
This is the magic of the market. What started off as loaning a few thousand dollars to an unemployed man in a string vest has become the High Grade Structured Credit Enhanced Leverage Fund.
I like the sound of it.
It is good. It sounds very trustworthy. It’s got good words in it. It’s got words like High.
High is good.
High is good. Better than low anyway, and structured is another good word.
Very good.
Enhanced.
I love enhanced. I’d buy anything if it said ‘enhanced’.
Absolutely. It might have been different if you’d have said the Unemployed Man In A Stringy Vest Fund, but–
Well, yes because then alarm bells might sound…ring. Despite these very plausible names, surely the reality is that the people that lent all this money are being incredibly stupid.
Oh, no. NO, no. The reality is what’s stupid is at some point someone asks how much money these houses are actually worth. If they hadn’t bothered to ask that question, then things could have gone on as perfectly normal, but unfortunately they did.
I see, but now people you see are saying the crisis is likely to turn into financial meltdown, I mean can that be avoided?
It can be avoided, provided that governments and central banks give us, the financial speculators back the money that we’ve lost.
But isn’t that rewarding greed and stupidity?
No. No. It’s rewarding what Prime Minister Gordon Brown called the ingenuity of the market. We don’t want this money to spend on ourselves. We want this money just to go into the market so that we can carry on borrowing and lending money as if nothing had happened, without thinking too much about it.
Yes, but if the worse came to the worse and you didn’t get this money, what then?
Well, then there’d be another market crash and then I’d say to you what I always say to people I meet–that it’s not us that will suffer. It’s your pension fund.
credit crunch A situation in which loans are being less easily available or very expensive, which slows down economic activity. The term credit crunch has been in the news a lot in recent months as a result of the problems in the US sub-prime mortgage sector which specializes in lending money to people on low incomes. Many of these people have been unable to keep up repayments on the money that they have borrowed and the banks have had to write off the loans as a bad debt (= accept that the money will not be paid). As a consequence, the banks have lost a great deal of money and are now less willing to lend money.
subprime The adjective subprime describes a risky loan, mortgage or other investment. Subprimelendingis the practice of giving loansat higher interest rates to borrowers with a poor credit history. It is therefore a risky enterprise for both borrowers and lenders – borrowers pay more, lenders potentiallylose money to clients with dubious financial circumstances who can’t always afford the loan in the first place. In the United States, borrowers are often classified as subprime (i.e.‘risky’) or prime (i.e. ‘best, without risk’) based on their respective credit scores.
stagflation Stagflation is a blend of two words (portmanteau) used broadly to mean an economic situation in which inflation and economic stagnation occur simultaneously.
Weathermaps can be as unpredictable and dangerous as the British seasons.
Sky News man Francis Wilson made the discovery while he was presenting the 8.30pm weather update on Thursday night and a piece of the set fell on his head.
Mr Wilson was walking along beside the sizeable weathermap and stopped to highlight a section of it.
He told viewers that Britain and Ireland could ‘expect sunshine’ before a panel from the giant weather map fell off. It hit him on the head before crashing to the floor.
An unphased Mr Wilson said: 'Oh that was interesting. That was part of East Anglia and the South East.'
He then picked up the offending panel and moved it to the edge of the set, before completing the bulletin.
