Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The Catherine Tate Show - Nan and the Ghost of Christmas Present
Ghost busters theme song and the Ghost
of Christmas Present (David Tennant) appears.
Ghost:Makes me laugh every time! Hello?
Ghost of Christmas Present.
Nan: That's all I need, a Scotch ghost
with a comedy ringtone.
Ghost: Oh hiya. No I'm just in the
middle of a wee job, can I call you back? OK, lets get started! Now
have you got any of those porcini mushrooms? Cause I see you have a
wee tin of the button variety but they've not got the same zip.
Nan: Give me strength!
Ghost: I've got a wee risotto on the
go, I don't think we should travel on an empty stomach. So? Porcini
mushrooms?
Nan: Yes love, they'll be in my fridge,
next to my Chinese water spinach.
Ghost: Fantastic, I don't see any Chinese water spinach?
Nan: No darling? Oh, you know what
they've probably fallen down by my Goji berries.
Ghost: No, I can't seem to find anything.
Nan: No? I can't help you then love.
Ghost: Are you sure they are in there?
Nan: Of course, they're not! What's the
matter with you What do you think this is? Saturday Kitchen?
Ghost: Oh, I love that show, James
Martin, don't get me started!
Nan: Well, it's just as well he can
cook, cause he dances like he's shit himself.
Ghost: I'm sorry but his cha-cha-cha
was a triumph!
Nan: What do you know about it? You're
a ghost, and not much of one by the looks of you.
Ghost: What's wrong with the way I
look? This is Giorgio Armani!
Nan: I don't care if it's George at
Asda! That aint what a ghost's supposed to wear!
Ghost: I'm the ghost of Christmas
present, I'm up to the minute! Constantly changing. Ever evolving, yet
always on trend! Unstructured, yet tailored, clean lines, sharp
sillouette but with a whiff of the shambolic rockstar! Do not
criticise the clobber!
Nan: You couldn't be bothered, could
you? Nah, that other fella I had here before, oh smashing he was! Yeah
he looked the part! Was all done up in his costume, lovely pale face
and what a stench! He stank like a rancid old arse! Whereas you,,, you
smell like? God what is that?
Ghost: That's Paul Smith Summer!
Nan: You're very effeminate for a
ghost!
Ghost: Hey, Don't play your games with
me Joany Taylor! Alright! You think your snide wee remarks are going
to get a rise out of me you've another thing coming! It's wake up
time, OK? Because the things I'm going to show you tonight will leave
you horrified by what you've become! And just for the record, there
is nothing effeminate about me! OK?
*TIMER PINGS*
Ohh RISOTTO RISOTTO RISOTTO!!! I've
burnt it!
Nan: Yeah, well, risottos are notoriously
difficult to time.
Ghost: Joany!
Nan: Yeah alright, keep your skinny
jeans on! This ain't my kitchen!
The Catherine Tate Show - Nan and the Ghost of Christmas Past
Nan gets a visit from the ghost of Christmas past and questions his credentials.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Charlie Brown Christmas
Charlie: Isn’t there anyone who understands what Christmas is all about?
Linus: Sure, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
Linus goes to center stage, spotlight.
Linus: “And there were in the same country Shepards abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, ‘fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in the manger.’ And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, ‘glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.’”
Linus picks up blanket, walks back to piano.
Linus: That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Eddie Izzard - Easter and Christmas
So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,
"Jesus died for your sins."
"Yeah, I know, it's great!”
“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”
“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!
Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.
"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"
"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."
"Well, what about a clockwork train?"
"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.”
And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The “partridge in a pear tree” song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren't there going,
" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."
"Oh, all right..."
" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...’ Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."
"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"
"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."
"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go.""Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"
"Well, I don't know… I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."
"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."
"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."
"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' "
"All right."
"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member...( mocking laughter ) "
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Little Britain - Baby Jesus
SCRIPT
Christmas was first celebrated in Britain in 1986 to commemorate the birth of Lord Martin Christmas.
- You're going to be reading in church today.
- Yeah, I know.
- What do you want to wear? I'll put the iron on.
- Baby Jesus.
- What about the baby Jesus?
- I wanna go dressed as the baby Jesus.
- Hmm. I'm not really sure that's a good idea. I know you like the baby Jesus.
- I love the baby Jesus.
- I'm not sure dressing as him will go down well. It's gonna be a right kerfuffle, making you up a baby Jesus outfit at such short notice.
- Baby Jesus.
- And now Andrew Pipkin is going to read for us from the Gospel according to Saint Matthew. Andrew.
- "And so it came to pass that Mary and Joseph made their way to the city of Bethlehem. They sought high and low for refuge, but there was no room at the inn..." I look a pillock...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Father Ted - Christmas Lights
Father Ted (1995-1998) was a television situation comedy set on the extremely remote fictional Craggy Island off the west coast of Ireland.The main characters were Father Ted, Mrs Doyle (the housekeeper), the simple-minded Father Dougal and the permanently drunk Father Jack.
Dougal is very excited about Christmas and wants to open all the pictures of his advert calendar. Dougal and Father Jack try to guess what's behind tomorrow's window.
SCRIPT
Hey, they aren't or they are, Ted. Oh, wait now.
What?
Wait, taht's it. God, they're gone again. Right, one minute Ted, keep it like that! No, gone! Oh God, Ted! That's it Ted! You're a genius! There again! Wait. Gone. Back. Gone. Back. Gone. Back.
Dougal, just sit down.
Oh, Ted! Can I open a another window on the advent calender first?
All right then, but remember you're just allowed to open today's window.
Ah, shepherd, great! Fantastic stuff!
Oh God, Ted, can I open the other two?
No, Dougal.
Oh, God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
All right, so, you've changed from your initial prediction of ... what was it again? Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed, wasn't it?
God almighty, Dougal, where do you get these things? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Dead Ringers - The Queen's speech outtakes
The Queen releases a DVD of her Christmas speech outtakes in this comedy sketch from BBC impression show Dead Ringers. Funny video, but watch out for the Queen's strong language!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tim Minchin - White wine in the sun
Tim Minchin is an Australian musician, actor, comedian and writer.
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