Teacher terror

TEACHER ARRESTED - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator (see picture below).



At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying Weapons of Math Instruction.

'Al-gebra is a problem for us,' the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

Weird Al Yankovic - Girls just want to have lunch

"Weird Al" Yankovic is an American singer, musician, actor, satirist, parodist, songwriter, music producer, accordionist, and television producer. Yankovic is known in particular for his humorous songs that make light of popular culture and that often parody specific songs by contemporary musical acts. This song is a parody of Cyndi Lauper's famous hit "Girls just want to have fun"

LYRICS

Some girls like to buy new shoes
And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos
There's only one thing that they all like a bunch
Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch
Oh, girls just wanna have lunch

I know how to keep a woman satisfied
When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide
They're always in the mood for something to munch
Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch
Oh, girls just wanna have...

That's all they really want
Is some lunch
Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch
'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch
Oh, girls just wanna have lunch

Girls, they wanna
Wanna to have lunch
Girls wanna have

She eats like she got a hole in her neck
And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check
Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton
Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch
Oh, girls just wanna have...

That's all they really want
Is some lunch
Don't know for certain but I've got a hunch
Those girls, they wanna have lunch
Oh, girls just wanna have lunch
Girls, they wanna
Wanna have lunch

Cyndi Lauper - Girls just want to have fun

This was a huge part of '80s culture. Not only did the song became an anthem for female attitude, but it set fashion trends as the video showed Lauper wearing bright, outrageous clothes that looked like they came from a thrift store (they often did).

LYRICS

I come home in the morning light,
My mother says when you gonna live your life right,
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones,
And girls they want to have fun,
Oh girls just want to have fun,

The phone rings in the middle of the night,
My father yells what you gonna do with your life,
Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one,
But girls they want to have fun,
Oh girls just want to have,

That's all they really want,
Some fun,
When the working day is done,
Girls they want to have fun,
Oh girls just want to have fun,

Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world,
I want to be the one to walk in the sun,
Oh girls they want to have fun,
Oh girls just want to have,

That's all they really want,
Some fun,
When the working day is done,
Girls they want to have fun,
Oh girls just want to have fun,
They want to have fun,
They want to have fun ...

The animals save the planet

Think about the enviroment

Remembrance Day: In Flanders fields

Remembrance Day

Remembrance Day is a day to commemorate the sacrifices of members of the armed forces and of civilians in times of war, specifically since the First World War.

"Remembrance Day" is the primary designation for the day in many Commonwealth countries such as Australia and Canada. However, "Armistice Day" also remains, often to differentiate the event from Remembrance Sunday, and is the primary designation used in New Zealand and France.

"Poppy Day" is also a popular term used, particularly in Malta and South Africa. "Veterans Day" also falls upon this day in the United States, yet many other allied nations have quite different Veterans Days.

Common British, Canadian, South African, and ANZAC (Australian and New Zealand Army Corps) traditions include two minutes of silence at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month (11:00 am, 11 November), as that marks the time (in the United Kingdom) when armistice became effective.

In Flanders Fields

John McCrae was a Canadian poet who served as a medical officer in the Boer War and World War I. This poem, published in 1915, honours and commemorates the men who died in the horrific battles in Flanders. It is said that he was inspired to write this poem after seeing the blood red poppies grow on the graves of his friends around Flanders. The poppy has since become a symbol of veterans worldwide.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short day s ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow

Loved, and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

Word of the week 10 - 16 November 2008: RAGE

Road rage, air rage, office rage, desk rage, work rage, bike rage, trolley rage ... rage is the word of the moment.



desk rage
The peak of office employee stress levels which ultimately starts with the screaming of vulgar language within the workplace. It can often times lead to assaulting fellow employees, abusing office equipment and/or stealing of company property, abusing sick days and ultimately poor production at work. A possible side effect is that the employee continues to take out his or her rage at their residence in the form of kicking small animals and drinking heavily.



road rage
This term is used to refer to violent behaviour by a driver of an automobile or other motor vehicle, which thus causes collisions or incidents on roadways. It can be thought of as an extreme case of aggressive driving.





air rage
This is the general term for disruptive and/or violent behaviour perpetrated by passengers and crew of aircraft, typically during flight.

Health & Fitness 'Facts'

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Health tips

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Robbie Williams & Nicole Kidman - Something stupid

An exercise and the lyrics to check when you finish: