The Hollow Men - Speed Dating

The Hollow Men
Speed Dating
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SCRIPT

Mary: So … then I was there for about three years and then I moved to the job I’m at now and I’ve been there for about six months now… Oh, sorry! Oh, I’m so sorry, I know this is our first date, I must be boring you to tears.

First Partner: Oh no, no, no, please.

Mary: It’s just … I don’t know, I’ve not had a lot of luck with men. They always seem to leave me.

First Partner: A pretty girl like you? Why?

Mary: I don’t know, maybe I’m too clingy… It’s just…whenever I start to get close to somebody, that’s it, he’s off.

First Partner: That’s terrible!

Mary: I know. Because it makes you feel you can never really open up to someone because as soon as you do …

BEEP. CHANGE PARTNERS, PLEASE

Mary (crying): Harry, Harry, I’m …

Second Partner: Hi! I’m Richard.

Mary: Mary

Richard: Mary! Hello! Richard Young. We were at school together.

Mary: Oh my God! How are you? You look fantastic.

Richard: Thanks. You know, you probably don’t know this, but I always had a massive crush on you back then.

Mary: Really? I always liked you too, I just never had the courage to say anything.

Richard: Why? I never thought I’d have a chance to tell you that.

Mary: Me neither.

Richard: Listen. Why don’t we get out of here and go for a drink?

Mary: Oh Richard! I think that that would …

BEEP: CHANGE PARTNERS, PLEASE

Mary: Richard, Richard, wait… (Third Partner arrives) Listen, I know we don’t have much time, and I know we’ve only just met and I don’t want you to be scared of me, you know, it’s just I have this thing where I scare men away but I’m not really like that, you see, I’m nice and I’m kind, I just want someone who I can open up to, who won’t be afraid when I do, do you understand? Because as soon as I start getting closer to somebody, they run away or they disappear. It’s not that I’m needy or clingy, it’s just I want to be able to share my emotions, you know, and I think that we, you and I, we’ve established a connection here, haven’t we? And I think if we gave this a chance, this could be something really special because I don’t think I’ve felt love about someone before, and I think I love you and maybe you can love me too if you gave it a chance to get to know me.

BEEP. AND THAT’S THE END OF OUR SESSION

Third Partner: Sorry? Could I…

Mary: Yes.

Third Partner: Can I ask you something?

Mary: Yes.

Third Partner: Do you know the name of that red-haired over there?

Mary: No, no, I don’t, no.

BEEP: SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, MARY

Sex and the city - Speed dating

SCRIPT

For Miranda, the only thing worse than being Charlotte's 34-year-old bridesmaid was being a 34-year-old bridesmaid without a date. With the wedding less than a week away, Miranda fell prey to the siren song of a New York singles event: Multi-dating.

$20 bought you seven mini-dates, each eight minutes long which incidentally is about as long as blind dates should be.

- Hi. I'm Miranda Hobbes.

- Dwight Owens. Private wealth group at Morgan Stanley Investment Management for high net-worth individuals and pension plans. Like my job, been there five years, divorced, no kids, not religious. I live in New Jersey, speak French and Portuguese. ........... Business School. Any of this appealing?

- Sure. Portuguese, that's impressive.

- Obrigado. What about you, Mandy?

- Miranda.

- I'm a lawyer at a mid-sized firm. Actually, I was recently made partner.

- I'm a lawyer.

- I'm a lawyer. I went to Harvard Law School.

- I'm a stewardess.

- Really?

A Bit of Fry and Laurie - Names

SCRIPT
- Hello.
- Certainly. Well, as you can see, we've had lots of letters, erm, in response to our name quest.
- Yes, we know that most of you out there have met people with amusing or unusual names.
- And so we asked you to send in and write and tell us what names they were.
- Yes, and what corkers you've sent us. Thanks so much.
- Yes, I've, for instance, got a letter here. "Dear Mr Fry and Laurie, There is a man who comes to wash my windows once a month whose name is Jervillian Swike. It always makes me laugh a great deal." That was sent in by Mr Suckmaster Burstingfoam of Ipswich.

This is an absolute favourite of mine here. "Dear A Bit of Fry & Laurie, I was at school with a boy called Donald Duck and later went out with a woman named Soilia Piffin. Yours, Peter Cummin-Myear."
-5 pounds on its way to you, Mr Cummin-Myear.
Well, then here's another. "Dear 'A Bit of Fry & Laurie', My wife's first husband was called Simon Coggie. I still split my sides whenever I hear that stupid name. Yours faithfully, Frigmy Popplehate-Fresharse."

- Well, absolutely tremendous response all around. Thanks so much to those of you who sent these in. Meanwhile...

A Bit of Fry and Laurie - 'Your name, sir?'

Stephen is a police sergeant, writing down the particulars of an arrest at the station counter. Hugh is on the other side, looking sheepish.

Stephen: And the vehicle belongs to you, does it sir?

Hugh: Yes.

Stephen: And your name is?

Hugh: Right. Hold on a second. (Hugh gets a lighter out of his pocket) Ready?

Stephen: Yes.

Hugh: My name is Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter onto the counter)

Stephen: What are you doing?

Hugh: That's my name.

Stephen: What is?

Hugh: This. Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter again)

Stephen: That's your name?

Hugh: Yes.

Stephen: What? Derek (Stephen drops the lighter) ... is your name?

Hugh: Yes.

Stephen: What kind of name is that?

Hugh: Well it's my name.

Stephen: Unusual, isn't it, Mr ... (Drops lighter)?

Hugh: If I had a pound for every time someone's said that ...

Stephen: And how do spell ... (Drops lighter), Mr ... (Drops lighter)?

Hugh: It's as it sounds.

Stephen: Uhuh. Yeah but I wonder if you'd mind actually spelling it for me, would you?

Hugh: Well I mean, can't you just ...

Stephen: I'd be very grateful. If you wouldn't mind.

Hugh: N-I-P-P-L hyphen E.

Stephen: Nipple.

Hugh: I beg your pardon?

Stephen: Nipple.

Hugh: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?

Stephen: N-I-P-P-L-E ...

Hugg: Hyphen E.

Stephen: Hyphen E ... spells Nipple. In my book. It does not spell ... (Drops lighter).

Hugh:Have you gone mad? What's the matter with you? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit. You can't even spell.

Stephen: Alright, Mr Nipple, address? Hugh looks around. What's your address?

Hugh: Are you talking to me?

Stephen: Yes.

Hugh: You want to know my address?

Stephen: Please.

Hugh: Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address, whoever he is?

Stephen: Your address please, sir.

Hugh: Alright. My address is Number twenty-two ... (Hugh tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.

Stephen: Now watch it.

Hugh: What?

Stephen: Just watch it.

Hugh: Watch what, for heaven's sake?

Stephen: You do realise, do you, that assaulting a police officer is an extremely serious offence?

Hugh: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But telling a police officer your address, on the other hand, is probably not very serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked to.

Stephen: Alright. Alright. My fault. Ask a stupid person and you get a stupid answer.

Hugh: I beg your pardon?

Stephen: So, can I just check this with you, Mr ... (Drops lighter) ... ?

Hugh: What?

Stephen: Just to make sure I've got this right. Your address is ... number twenty-two ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn?

Hugh: No, no, no! What's the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's ... (Tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.

Stephen: Oh I'm sorry. I though you said ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn.

Hugh: Well I didn't.

Stephen: My apologies sir. I can't read my own writing.

Hugh: Well get a typewriter.

Stephen: If only we could afford it. Actually, at some angles, this almost looks like ... twenty-two ... (Tapdances, hits Hugh with a cricket bat) ... Kings Lynn.

Hugh: That was too hard.

Stephen: Oh I'm sorry sir. You're right. We really should get a typewriter.

Hugh: That was too hard.

Stephen: Well sir, you must admit that it's an unusual address for anyone to get the hang of ...

Hugh: Never mind the fucking sketch! That was too hard. That really hurt.

Stephen: Oh diddums. Did the nasty actor hit the poor little twerp ...

Hugh: Fuck off. Hugh exits.

Stephen: (To camera) He's just a child really.

Wishing you a lot of luck in your exams and a nice holiday

The Killers - Human

Are we human or are we dancer? No s. Human and dancer are both adjectives describing people, that is why there is no s. As an adjective human means free thinker, that we can do what we want when we want. Dancer refers to a puppet dancing on string. having someone move you where they want you to go, thinking for you, and living our life like a routine that is all planned out.

Awesomely incorrect test answers by kids

Catherine Tate - Complaining about international food

Janice and Ray are a couple from Beverley, East Yorkshire who express their disgust at the various signs of multi-culturalism in their very British circle. Sources of outrage include restaurant meals, due to their perception of over-pricing or the exotic nature of the food such as grapes in a brie cheese sandwich. They perceive global foods as adulterated British fare and view such culinary transgressions as personal assaults - finally responding with their catchphrase "The dirty bastards!"

Northern moaners Janice and Ray complaining about gazpacho with croutons ("It's cold tomato soup with tiny bits of stale bread") served at a wedding reception in Pudsey.

The northern moaners compaining about being served sushi. "This is in Nagasaki! The dirty, evil, raw fish guzzling bastards!"

And French sandwiches with no bread.

Greatest Marriage Proposal EVER!!!

My girlfriend Ginny gets taken to the movie theater to see "Fast Five". After a preview for the Hangover 2, a trailer for a movie comes on. A trailer I made of her father and I where I ask her father for her hand in marriage. After he gives me permission, I race off to the theater she is at to ask her to marry me. What she doesn't know is our familiy and friends are in the theater with her watching the whole thing, along with about 100 strangers ;-)

Monty Python - Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! (or the Spanish revolution...)

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
In the early years of the 16th century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This was the Spanish Inquisition...

Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

Fang: The...Comfy Chair?

Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

Ximinez: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!