Eddie Izzard - British vs American Movies

Anyway. So, erm... Yes. So, I... We're known in Britain for making the smaller films. Lately we've pulled out of that with Trainspotting but the smaller film, the Room With A View With A Staircase And A Pond type movie. Films with very fine acting but the drama is rather sort of subsued - subsumed? A word like that. Sub-something or another. Just sort of folded in. Everything's people opening doors:

"Oh, I'm... Oh."

"What?"

"Well, I... Oh."

"What is it, Sebastian? I'm arranging matches."

"Well, I thought you..."I'd better go."

"Yes, I think you better had."

And you can't eat popcorn to that. Whereas if the film did any bit of business in America, some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would remake it and up the budget by 50 million and it would be called The Room With A View Of Hell! Staircase Of Satan... Pond Of Death. And have people open the door:

"You're fucking in here all the time, in here with the fucking matches!

"What are you fucking doing with the fucking matches?"

"Don't talk to me that way! You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? "You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?"

"I am your wife."

"That don't matter. I say again. You fuck my wife?"

"All right, yes. I fucked your wife. I am your wife and I fucked her."

"Daaah, you're gonna... Fucking matches, I can't get... I'm gonna drive round town and put babies on spikes."

Thboom! Hooha-hooha-hoo. Floom! Zi-zi-zi.

"Oh, no! Space monkeys are attacking."

A whole new part of the film.

"Hoo-hoo-hoo! Whaaah!" Poom! Poom! Poom!

"Damn, it's jammed.”

"Janine? I love you, really. Even though you fucked my wife."

"A fucking handbag.With a brick in it. It's the Queen! Don't know who that is. Yeah."

We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. The French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary War, they play more esoteric characters. Their characters go,

"I am Pierre. I have come from Paris. I have come to have sex with your family."

"Help yourself. Because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette."

You know your own history, yeah? You don't know who he is, do you? The Spanish-American War? The French Banana War? What? Revolutionary War. Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. We play bad guys. Take The Empire Strikes Back from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star, just full of British actors opening doors and going,

"Oh, l'm... Oh."

"What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?"

"It's just the rebels, sir. They're here."

"My God, man. Do they want tea?"

"I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is but they've brought a flag."

"Damn, that's dashed cunning of them.

"Ah, Lord Vader."

(Heavy breathing)

(Deep voice) "Hello."

He was only impressive cos he had that James Earl Jones voice.

"I am Vader. The Force is strong with you."

If he had a much more...

(Camp cockney) "Ello".

"Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right?

"Luke, the Force is strong with you."

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"Who told you that?"

"Some bloke.

"He said the Force is really rather strong with you."

"How strong?"

"Er, as strong as a small pony."

"That's quite strong, that is."

The film would never have fucking worked, would it? Yeah.